“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” is the fifth of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits.
As we continue our discussion of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, we look at the fifth habit: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Covey’s habits pertain not only to highly effective individuals, but also to highly effective management—and organizations.
To be understood is a fundamental human desire. Many, if not all, of us have experienced the frustration of not being listened to – whether in family or work relationships. And we may be left to wonder why the other party fails to understand our perspective. Covey suggests that before we express our perspective in a discussion, we need to listen – truly listen – to the other party, and not just to hear the words, but also understand the feelings that lie below the surface. As Covey writes, if we demand to be understood, we are, in essence, saying, “You open up your mind for me.” If we try to understand the other, then we say, in essence, “I’ll open up my mind for you.” This form of listening is considered “empathetic”
because it allows us to experience the feelings of the other party. And once there is true understanding, the “third alternative” can be realized.
So what are the consequences of not taking the time to truly listen and understand? After all, empathetic listening isn’t appropriate for every circumstance. Consider the value of this industry consultant in the following example. A high profile veterinarian has been contracted to make twice-annual visits to a sow farm at the expense of the genetic supplier. The manager runs a tight ship with a highly efficient crew, and the farm’s production is good, but there is always room for improvement. The veterinarian announces upon his arrival that he will get the farm to 30 pigs per sow per year (p/s/y). The way for the farm to do this is by using hot boxes and split-suckling in farrowing. So, he instructs the manager to institute the program.
The manager, however, has a different perspective. While he would certainly like to raise his p/s/y, he recognizes that the hot boxes will place additional demands on his farrowing labor. And in the recent economic squeeze, he and his crew have stepped up to the plate to assume a greater workload that allowed for a staff reduction of 12.5 percent. Now how does the consultant’s message sound?
By not seeking first to understand, the consultant’s message was ignored. The farm manager regarded the consultant as out-of-touch and unrealistic. And the consultant likely also had a frustrated opinion about the manager. As such, a workable “third alternative” neither has been nor will be found. And neither party is better for it.
Empathetic listening is a skill that has a time and place. If used inappropriately, it will backfire over time. That is, people will see that the listener, while he or she may have truly listened, ignores the other’s perspective in finding a solution. When used appropriately, however, empathetic listening not only achieves the objective of understanding the other party’s perspective, it also opens the other party to understanding your perspective. This mutual understanding, then, forms the foundation for discovery of the win-win solution.
Editor’s Note: Dr. Stephanie Rutten-Ramos is an independent consultant. To visit with her, send her an e-mail at: rutt0011@umn.edu
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